Mike Weagle.com

I have this great idea. The media is full of advice columnists now, but… I personally find them to be too nicey wicey.

I think we should call on some Special Forces commandoes for help:

Dear advice person:

“I recently broke my ankle. The problem is that the whole 4 weeks when I had a walking cast, people keep calling me hop a long or gimpy etc. This ticked me off, mostly because it was just bad humor.”

Advice columnist: “Take them aside and explain that you are under going a personally difficult time. You understand their need for humor but would appreciate understanding.”

Us Navy seal: “After you are better, hunt them down and wack them over the head with one of your crutches.”

Now you tell me, which is the best advice …. Exactly.

Dear advice person:

“It ticks me off when people run red lights and block the intersection.”

Advice columnist: “Take a deep breath and realize that this person did not do this to personally bug you. They don’t even know who you are.”

Navy seal: “I have to make the sad assumption that you don’t have a mounted machine gun on your mini van. Accordingly I recommend that you run up to the car, and throw a hand grenade. Please don’t tell me that you don’t have a personal stache of hand grenades.”

Dear advice person:

“The person in front of me at the grocery store had twenty items in the ten or less cashier line.”

Advice columnists: “Mention this to the person and suggest that in the future they go to the other line.”

Navy seal: “Whack them over the head with a cucumber until they leave.”

Mike Weagle 2009 (all rights reserved)

Tags: Navy Seal

Speaking of ‘homeland’ security

WE HAVE finally bitten the bullet and updated our home security. My family is now protected by the best crime deterrent possible. Yes, you guessed it, we are now protected by a sticker with a security company’s name on it. Well, it comes with a security system too, but we have been too busy to figure it out.

I figure the sticker is all we really need. You would think some entrepreneur would have figured out that you could just sell security stickers and make a fortune. I mean, it’s not like the average guy, who might break into my house, is any kind of genius who would know which are the real companies. After all, if he were really bright, he would break into homes in the parts of town where people have nice stuff. Or at least one would hope that he would break into the homes that have nicer cars than mine.

Hint to would-be robbers: Check out the nice neighbourhoods, or at least the nice cars. I have a minivan. You want to look for SUVs, Jaguars, BMWs, etc.

In the past, we were always protected by the fact that we didn’t own anything worth stealing. This seemed to be very effective at the time. But alas, I am starting to accumulate a few things.

When I was a kid, we always had a dog. Dogs are great for security. There is one small problem with dogs in the city, though - too much work. I used to run in a local park once or twice a week. All I saw were people walking their dogs and scooping poop. This doesn’t appeal to me. Hence, we have a cat. But cats aren’t really good for security unless you upgrade to a meaner type of cat.

I saw a commercial the other day for the World Wildlife Federation where you could adopt a tiger. Now, that is impressive. I would do it if I got to keep him overnight once a year. Then you could put a sign up: “I adopted a tiger. This might be the night he stays over - think about it.”

I wonder if tigers poop a lot.

Any robber who enters my house takes his life in his hands. I’m not tough or anything; it’s just that our house is a mess, with toys scattered everywhere. The robber would probably trip and break his neck. Actually, he would probably break in and think someone had already robbed this house.

We all have something in our house that we wish would get stolen. With us, it is our computer. My computer is a lemon. I am tempted to leave the back door open some night with the computer just sitting there.

To my insurance agent: I’m kidding.

Actually, to any would-be robbers: Just let me know when you are coming and I will conveniently leave the box by the computer. It’s in the dining room. I will leave a nightlight on as well, so you don’t step on the Hot Wheels. I also have three dehumidifiers in the basement in various states of disrepair. Wake me up if you need help. I don’t want you to hurt your back.

Last minute update from Mike: My wife was concerned that one of the 10 people who read my articles might be a bad guy, so she learned how to use the security system. The computer deal still stands.

Mike Weagle (all rights reserved)

My teenage daughter brought home a couple of new pairs of jean shorts the other day.

Now apparently there must be some kind of world wide denim shortage that I was unaware of.

I would think that the manufacturers could be a bit more generous in the amount of material that they offer.

My wife: “Show these to your dad, see what he thinks?

Me: “Show me what?”

My daughter: “These are my new shorts.”

Me: “Where’s the back part.”

My daughter: “Funny.”

Me: “No really, there is supposed to be material that covers the bum. I have some old jeans. You can cut them up and add the material to the back.”

My daughter: “Very funny.’

Me: “Really don’t you find those to short?”

My daughter: “The shorts aren’t short. My legs are long. It’s not my fault that I have long legs.” 

Anyway, I realize that as a dad in my forties, I am hopelessly out of style but I have to at least try to fight these battles.

Mike Weagle 2010 (all rights reserved)

Tags: denim, shorts

DEAR GRADUATES:
Today, you step out into the world as contributing members of society. (Well, actually, you will probably be going to an all-night party. Let’s say, in a couple of days, you will be ready to contribute.)
As you enter the workforce, I want to take this opportunity to offer some advice to assist you in advancing your careers.
• On working hard to get ahead:
Some people will tell you that you must work harder than your co-workers. Although this might work in some companies, I recommend finding a company where most people don’t work all that hard. That way, you only have to be less lazy than your co-workers.
On a planet of five billion people, why would you want to compete with the 500 or so really talented, hard-working people? This concept just makes no sense to me.
• On having a good attitude:
This is actually a euphemism that people use to mean “an attitude that agrees with mine.”
If you have a good attitude, that’s great! If you don’t, I recommend faking a good attitude. It’s really hard for most people to tell the difference.
• On giving 110 per cent:
I guarantee that at some point in your career, a boss will suggest that you put in 110 per cent. I recommend distancing yourself from people who are math deficient (I find this to be good advice for every human endeavour, from going to the movies to buying a car).
If, by some chance, you can’t get away from this boss, just give 120 per cent of the effort of your slackest co-worker. Sometimes I think it is better to give 120 per cent of 0 than 100 per cent of 100 (sorry if I lost you on the math there).
• On laws of physics:
I remember one of my first jobs. We were given a task to accomplish for the next day, which was physically impossible to do in that amount of time (even if you worked all night).
Me: “Oh, that really can’t be accomplished.”
My co-worker: “We don’t operate that way around here.”
Me: “Oh, you don’t operate by the normal laws of physics – this can’t be good.”
Sadly, they aren’t in business anymore (that seems to happen to a lot of companies that ignore the laws of physics).
Anyway, I know that every time I have tried to mess with the laws of physics (especially gravity), it has been a problem. My personal experience has been that it is always best to keep a safe distance from these people. I recommend 30 feet (coincidentally, this is the distance that a skateboard can fly through the air).
• On communication skills:
One of the best skills you can learn is how to listen. Unfortunately, that involves listening to people blather on and on.
I recommend learning how to appear as if you are listening. This is just as effective and much less painful. (Actually, let me offer a rare piece of serious advice: Interpersonal communication skills are probably among the most valuable you can have in the business world.)
• On teamwork:
Employers are keenly interested in your ability to work with other people. Teamwork (or working at the speed of the slowest person) is a popular way to delay accomplishing anything.
Unfortunately, you can’t really get away from teamwork. Accordingly, I recommend trying to get on teams with co-workers who are either good looking, funny or who bring home-baked cookies to work. That way, you at least have something to look forward to each day. (If you find someone who has all three attributes, then you should marry them.)
• On responsibility:
At some point, some boss will insist you take responsibility for something. This is usually a euphemism for taking the blame when someone else messes up your good idea.
The key to all of this is to be an adult about it.
When things go well – humbly accept responsibility.
When things go bad – make sure you have a list of excuses ready. Some good random excuses are: co-workers, clients, the weather, technology and terrorists. Just switch them up once in a while. (Note – I don’t recommend weapons of mass destruction as an excuse anymore.)
Anyway, that’s about all the advice I can give you. Any more and I would be giving 110 per cent.

Mike Weagle 2010 (all rights reserved)

Tags: Graduate

AMONG the thousands of e-mails I receive weekly are numerous requests for help with ethical problems. People read my columns and say, “Hey! That’s a nice guy. Maybe he can help me with my ethical dilemma.”

Following are some of my favourite letters.

The Unhappy Worker: “I have a co-worker who is driving me crazy. I mentioned to a friend that sometimes I feel like Tasering this person. My friend said that he could get me a Taser for $10. Now I feel bad for my comments. Was I unethical?”

Mike: Yes. A Taser for $10 would have to have been stolen. I recommend buying a legal Taser from Tasers-R-Us. You will feel better about yourself.

Weight-Conscious Female: “I am on a diet. Things are going well. Sometimes I would rather have a DQ Blizzard ® instead of fruit. Is this unethical?”

Mike: Females are inundated with images of air-brushed, starving models. This is not fair. Although admittedly, it does put some pressure on you. I recommend bringing all your ice cream treats to me.

The Concerned Citizen: “I was walking down the street and a federal tax employee dropped a bag containing $100,000. I kept the money. Should I have returned it?”

Mike: Sorry, but I don’t understand the ethical concern. Please elaborate.

Confused Movie-goer: “The other day, I snuck treats into the movie theatre. Was this unethical?”

Mike: I wouldn’t worry, but if you really feel bad, I suggest you invite the owner of the theatre to your house to talk about it. While he is there, try to sell him some $6 popcorn. Honestly, I think the day will come when the movie is free, but the popcorn is $20. I can never understand why they charge you to go see a movie. If I could get people to come to my house and buy $6 popcorn, I would do anything to get them there.

The great garbage bag limit dilemma: “I noticed that my neighbour only had three bags of garbage out. I was over the limit, so I snuck my bags over to their pile. Unfortunately, my neighbour came out with more bags, which put them over the limit. Should I admit to it?”

Mike: No, just blame whoever is the grouchiest person in the neighbourhood.

(Dear reader: This actually happened to friends of ours. The neighbour apologized. Unfortunately, my friend’s wife had already been arrested and jailed by the garbage police – but hey, all’s well that ends well.)

The dessert problem: “Every time I visit my relatives, I am under pressure to bring a homemade dessert. I am busy and would prefer to buy one.”

Mike: This is so simple. Just go to the store, but ask them to screw it up a bit – a little too much baking soda, make the edges crooked, etc. Remember, it’s not the taste, it’s the assumed suffering that went into the dessert that counts.

(Note: I have noticed that this issue is only a problem for females.)

The girl with too many bridal party dresses: “I told a friend that I was moving off the planet, so I unfortunately wouldn’t be able to be in her wedding party. I don’t want another bridesmaid dress. Was I unethical?”

Mike: What colour was the dress? Maybe you could have worn it to the movies or at work.

The Frustrated Driver: “I get mad at bad drivers and blow my horn. Is this unethical?”

Mike: Not really. But relax. As baby boomers age, the driving will get more conscientious. It will be at 15 kilometres an hour, but definitely more conscientious.

Well, that’s it for this week. Keep those letters coming. I am always interested in your daily dilemmas.

Mike Weagle is a freelance writer in Halifax.

My wife got lost the other day.

I was at work when I got a call from her.

My wife: “I am lost. I am at the Sportsplex.”

Me: “If you know where you are, then technically you are not lost.”

My wife: “I mean I can’t find the store I was going too in the industrial park.”

At this stage we were good. I knew where she was and I knew where she wanted to go. Hence I was a good person to ask for directions. In fact I was just about to explain the directions when we hit one of those male female things. She basically went into a dialogue outlining where she went wrong:

“I turned right when I should have gone left. Then I went down abc street instead of def street. All of this was deeply fascinating but had nothing to with solving the problem. I mean, since I knew where she was, it didn’t really matter how she had gotten there. A UFO could have picked up the car from our driveway and deposited her there. It wouldn’t really matter. I would still be able to explain how to get to the new spot. Eventually I was able to interrupt her and get to the point.

Anyway we finally sorted it out. I think the general consensus was that I was inconsiderate for interrupting her thought process.

Mike Weagle 2010 -all rights reseved.

Tags: lost

I am getting just a touch frustrated by this oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico – and I don’t even live there.

How can you not have a backup plan?

Our cat has a backup plan. When she goes outdoors she knows where the nearest tree is, in case a dog comes by.

I expect big oil executives to be smarter than my cat. And maybe that’s my problem – unrealistic expectations.

So here is what I think we should do. Take a nuclear sub. Dismantle the torpedoes and stuff them with the big oil executives. Fire all of the torpedoes at the hole and see what happens. Some of the more astute of you (Fred in New Orleans) might have noticed that the torpedoes would work just as well without the executives – it just makes me feel better okay.

In all seriousness, as the primary intelligent life form on this planet (I am doubtful about this sometimes), we have a responsibility to be the environmental stewards of this planet. It’s time to step up to the plate and be responsible.

Epliogue:

Big oil executive: “Hey what are you doing?”

Dolphin: “We are dumping oil in your pool. See how you like it.”

Mike Weagle - 2010 -all rights reserved

Tags: BP

I was just about to crack open a cold one last weekend, when our fifteen year old daughter came into the house. She was crying. She had sprained her ankle (at least we hoped that’s all it was).

The ankle was quite swollen, so my wife and I decided that we should take her to the children’s emergency, just to be safe. By ‘we’ I mean me. I am the unofficial ‘emerge’ parent. My wife is actually a paediatric nurse, but I have noticed that she doesn’t handle injuries to her own children quite so well. I knew I would be there for a good 3 hours but what can you do:

Me: “I will call you when I know more. Don’t touch my beer.”

The emergency department had about 6 kids – everything from babies to teenagers, everything from asthma to falling off of a horse. One little guy had fallen in the tub and cracked his chin open. The only problem was that he was running around laughing and smiling:

Kid’s mom: “Jack come here! Sit down.”

Me: “You really need to try to get that child to act sicker; otherwise they will never see him.”

My daughter turned out to be okay but it took three hours to find that out. I also had to fill out an accident form explaining what had happened:

“Child tripped over curb and fell while running. Tragically the father had to spend three hours in emergency room on a weekend night while cold beer was left waiting in the fridge”

Anyway this is why I get paid the big parent bucks.

 Mike Weagle 2010 – all rights reservced

I was waiting in the ’10 item or less’ lineup at the grocery store the other day. The cashier was ringing in my three tomatoes when I glanced back and saw the headline on one of the smaller newspaper magazinie thingies: “seven signs the end of the world is near!”

The world is ending soon? How come I didn’t hear about this sooner? Does CNN know about this? And come to think of it, who exactly is CNN’s end of the world correspondent?

Hold on. Should I be buying three tomatoes? I mean… maybe I should just buy one. When exactly is the world ending? Will I be likely to eat all three tomatoes? I require details. Why can’t these people be more specific?

This is all so stressful and confusing.

Now the strange thing is that you would think that, with the impending end of the world, that I would have one of two reactions:

(A)  Out right panic

Or

(B)   Relaxed acceptance.

Instead I am right in the middle, experiencing moderate stress and confusion as to whether I should return the two tomatoes.

Me: “I only bought three tomatoes. This is a ‘10 item or less’ lineup. Can I return two tomatoes? It seems to me that would be 5 total transactions – well within the 10 limit. Or does the impending end of the world change the ethical dynamics of the 1 -10 lineup?”

Cashier: “Huhhh”

Any way I decided to buy all three. This has nothing to do with the fact that these “end of the word” things are always wrong. It is because my wife gave me explicit instructions. I am more concerned about getting her upset than any cataclysmic world ending scenario.

You know if someone wants to go around ending the world, they need to be more precise. Send out an email or something, with actual times. People are very scheduled now. They require detail:

Evil earth ender: “DEAR RESIDENTS OF EARTH. THE END OF TIME OCCURS THIS SATURDAY AT 4:00 pm EASTERN.

Of course they will receive dozens of replies:

Hi evil earth ender: “I don’t think we can make the end of the world event this Saturday. Little Jill has ballet at 3:00 and Nickie has Taekwondo at 6:00.

We might be able to make 3 Saturdays from now.

P.S. Have we met? I don’t seem to have you as a friend on facebook?”

Mike Weagle (all rights reserved – 2010)

Tags: end, world

One of my friends confided in me, that she went on a spaz the other day.

They have a home gym in their basement. She went down to do some weights and found that the kids and her husband had been messing with the gear.  She was having one of those days and she lost it (we all have days like this once in awhile). Her husband managed to clam her down after 5 minutes.

Later on when she came upstairs from her workout her husband and 8 year-old son were in the kitchen:

8 year old son: “Hi mom. You feeling okay now.”

Mom: “Yes. How did you know I wasn’t feeling okay?”

8 year old son: “Dad said that I should stay away from you for awhile. He said you weren’t fit to look at.”

Now I feel for the husband. I have been in similar situations before:

Me: “From now on, if I tell you that your mother is cranky, please don’t tell her that I said that.”

My son: Blank stare.

Me: “That just makes her crankier. And that isn’t good.”

My son: “Oh OK.”

You know, you give good confidential advice to a preteen boy and they blab about it. In fact I don’t think kids can even grasp the concept of keeping secrets

Some people will say that there is nothing more honest than a pre teen boy. If by ‘honest’, you mean ‘stupid’, then I concur.

Mike Weagle 2010, all rights reserved

Tags: friend, spaz