Mike Weagle.com

Hurricane Woes

Mike — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 01:31:42 +0000

Well here we go again; hurricane season is in full force. As I am writing this, we are waiting for Hurricane (or possibly tropical storm) Earle hit to my home province. :

Years ago I experienced my first hurricane (Hurricane Bob in Cape Cod 1991.) Since that time I have experienced two hurricanes at home.

I have noticed one big difference; namely that mass destruction is always much more interesting when it happens to other peoples things.

For example:

When you are visiting and a hurricane hits, you say things like:

“Hey look at that roof flying through the air.”

“Wow a tree just fell on that car”

“Hey is that a cat flying through the air?”

When you are home you say things like:

“Yikes! Bob’s roof!”

“Oh no, the car!”

“Did someone forget to let the cat in?”

Sleeping Angel

Mike — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:42:02 +0000

Sometimes when you are a couple, you notice these weird ways that you each deal with similar problems.

For example, when I am really tired, I just go to sleep. Admittedly I try not to do that when I am operating heavy machinery or eating.

I have been known to go to bed at 9:00 just to catch up on my sleep. This makes perfect sense to me.

Now my wife has a somewhat different approach, which involves staying up really late when she is tired.

My wife: “I am really tired”

Me: Why don’t you go to bed?

Mt wife: “I can’t. It’s only 9:00 and I have things to do.”

My wife will then proceed to do really important ‘can’t wait’ things like call her sister or send out a thank you card to somebody.

Later on she will start watching TV.

Invariably I will fall asleep on the couch and wake up at midnight:

Me: “Why are you still up? I thought you were tired?”

My wife: “I got watching this show. “

Now it seems to me that this method is not working for her.

Me: I don’t think that this is working for you.”

My wife: “If I didn’t stay up who would send thank you cards or catch up with my sister.’

Me: “No one.”

Page!

Mike — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 21:38:26 +0000

Every year on my summer vacation, whether I am at the beach or camping, I like to spend some time reading.

No relaxing allowed - Page!

Invariably, if I am lucky, I get to read most of a page before someone interrupts me with some major crisis. Apparently, I am a high demand person. I seem to be the only one capable of finding the juice boxes, the missing fishing lure, or starting a fire.

My daughter and I started this thing where, when interrupted, we would yell out

“PAGE!!’, indicating that that was all we were able to read before being interrupted

Eventually we added ‘Sentence!’, ‘Word!’ and ‘Syllable!’ to our vocabulary.

Technically you could go to ‘Chapter’ but I just can’t imagine that ever being required.

My son: “Do you know where the chips are?”

Me: “Page!”

My son: “Jess do you know…”

My daughter: “Sentence!”

My wife: “Why are you guys doing that?”

My daughter and I: “Word!!!!!”

Generation Wars.

Mike — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 00:52:52 +0000

Have you ever noticed that people like to brag about their generation? They will say things like “my generation invented the computer.” Your generation did not invent the computer. Two or three smart guys did. You just sat around and played on face book.

In any given generation there are maybe 1,000 smart people who make all the good discoveries. The rest of us are just along for the ride.

Now I like to think that my generation had the best music. ‘Can’t beat the 80’s no sireee.’

What really happened is that Madonna and a few other artists made some good songs. The rest of us just danced with girls that had big hair and wore leg warmers.

And to make matter worse, half of the inventions are just pure luck anyway:

Caveman: “We invented fire.”

Me: “Actually lightning hit Charlie in the head and you discovered fire that way.”

Everyone was very happy, except of course for Charlie.

“For god’s s sake, don’t let that fire go out!”

(There always a shortage of people who are willing to be struck by lightning so you can start a new fire).

Navy Seal Advice Columnist

Mike — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:44:29 +0000

I have this great idea. The media is full of advice columnists now, but… I personally find them to be too nicey wicey.

I think we should call on some Special Forces commandoes for help:

Dear advice person:

“I recently broke my ankle. The problem is that the whole 4 weeks when I had a walking cast, people keep calling me hop a long or gimpy etc. This ticked me off, mostly because it was just bad humor.”

Advice columnist: “Take them aside and explain that you are under going a personally difficult time. You understand their need for humor but would appreciate understanding.”

Us Navy seal: “After you are better, hunt them down and wack them over the head with one of your crutches.”

Now you tell me, which is the best advice …. Exactly.

Dear advice person:

“It ticks me off when people run red lights and block the intersection.”

Advice columnist: “Take a deep breath and realize that this person did not do this to personally bug you. They don’t even know who you are.”

Navy seal: “I have to make the sad assumption that you don’t have a mounted machine gun on your mini van. Accordingly I recommend that you run up to the car, and throw a hand grenade. Please don’t tell me that you don’t have a personal stache of hand grenades.”

Dear advice person:

“The person in front of me at the grocery store had twenty items in the ten or less cashier line.”

Advice columnists: “Mention this to the person and suggest that in the future they go to the other line.”

Navy seal: “Whack them over the head with a cucumber until they leave.”

Speaking of ‘homeland’ security

Mike — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 22:28:26 +0000

Speaking of ‘homeland’ security

WE HAVE finally bitten the bullet and updated our home security. My family is now protected by the best crime deterrent possible. Yes, you guessed it, we are now protected by a sticker with a security company’s name on it. Well, it comes with a security system too, but we have been too busy to figure it out.

I figure the sticker is all we really need. You would think some entrepreneur would have figured out that you could just sell security stickers and make a fortune. I mean, it’s not like the average guy, who might break into my house, is any kind of genius who would know which are the real companies. After all, if he were really bright, he would break into homes in the parts of town where people have nice stuff. Or at least one would hope that he would break into the homes that have nicer cars than mine.

Hint to would-be robbers: Check out the nice neighbourhoods, or at least the nice cars. I have a minivan. You want to look for SUVs, Jaguars, BMWs, etc.

In the past, we were always protected by the fact that we didn’t own anything worth stealing. This seemed to be very effective at the time. But alas, I am starting to accumulate a few things.

When I was a kid, we always had a dog. Dogs are great for security. There is one small problem with dogs in the city, though - too much work. I used to run in a local park once or twice a week. All I saw were people walking their dogs and scooping poop. This doesn’t appeal to me. Hence, we have a cat. But cats aren’t really good for security unless you upgrade to a meaner type of cat.

I saw a commercial the other day for the World Wildlife Federation where you could adopt a tiger. Now, that is impressive. I would do it if I got to keep him overnight once a year. Then you could put a sign up: “I adopted a tiger. This might be the night he stays over - think about it.”

I wonder if tigers poop a lot.

Any robber who enters my house takes his life in his hands. I’m not tough or anything; it’s just that our house is a mess, with toys scattered everywhere. The robber would probably trip and break his neck. Actually, he would probably break in and think someone had already robbed this house.

We all have something in our house that we wish would get stolen. With us, it is our computer. My computer is a lemon. I am tempted to leave the back door open some night with the computer just sitting there.

To my insurance agent: I’m kidding.

Actually, to any would-be robbers: Just let me know when you are coming and I will conveniently leave the box by the computer. It’s in the dining room. I will leave a nightlight on as well, so you don’t step on the Hot Wheels. I also have three dehumidifiers in the basement in various states of disrepair. Wake me up if you need help. I don’t want you to hurt your back.

Last minute update from Mike: My wife was concerned that one of the 10 people who read my articles might be a bad guy, so she learned how to use the security system. The computer deal still stands.

Short shorts

Mike — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:19:46 +0000

My teenage daughter brought home a couple of new pairs of jean shorts the other day.

Now apparently there must be some kind of world wide denim shortage that I was unaware of.

I would think that the manufacturers could be a bit more generous in the amount of material that they offer.

My wife: “Show these to your dad, see what he thinks?

Me: “Show me what?”

My daughter: “These are my new shorts.”

Me: “Where’s the back part.”

My daughter: “Funny.”

Me: “No really, there is supposed to be material that covers the bum. I have some old jeans. You can cut them up and add the material to the back.”

My daughter: “Very funny.’

Me: “Really don’t you find those to short?”

My daughter: “The shorts aren’t short. My legs are long. It’s not my fault that I have long legs.”

Anyway, I realize that as a dad in my forties, I am hopelessly out of style but I have to at least try to fight these battles.

Advice for the graduating class of 2010

admin — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 18:00:33 +0000

DEAR GRADUATES:
Today, you step out into the world as contributing members of society. (Well, actually, you will probably be going to an all-night party. Let’s say, in a couple of days, you will be ready to contribute.)
As you enter the workforce, I want to take this opportunity to offer some advice to assist you in advancing your careers.
• On working hard to get ahead:
Some people will tell you that you must work harder than your co-workers. Although this might work in some companies, I recommend finding a company where most people don’t work all that hard. That way, you only have to be less lazy than your co-workers.
On a planet of five billion people, why would you want to compete with the 500 or so really talented, hard-working people? This concept just makes no sense to me.
• On having a good attitude:
This is actually a euphemism that people use to mean “an attitude that agrees with mine.”
If you have a good attitude, that’s great! If you don’t, I recommend faking a good attitude. It’s really hard for most people to tell the difference.
• On giving 110 per cent:
I guarantee that at some point in your career, a boss will suggest that you put in 110 per cent. I recommend distancing yourself from people who are math deficient (I find this to be good advice for every human endeavour, from going to the movies to buying a car).
If, by some chance, you can’t get away from this boss, just give 120 per cent of the effort of your slackest co-worker. Sometimes I think it is better to give 120 per cent of 0 than 100 per cent of 100 (sorry if I lost you on the math there).
• On laws of physics:
I remember one of my first jobs. We were given a task to accomplish for the next day, which was physically impossible to do in that amount of time (even if you worked all night).
Me: “Oh, that really can’t be accomplished.”
My co-worker: “We don’t operate that way around here.”
Me: “Oh, you don’t operate by the normal laws of physics – this can’t be good.”
Sadly, they aren’t in business anymore (that seems to happen to a lot of companies that ignore the laws of physics).
Anyway, I know that every time I have tried to mess with the laws of physics (especially gravity), it has been a problem. My personal experience has been that it is always best to keep a safe distance from these people. I recommend 30 feet (coincidentally, this is the distance that a skateboard can fly through the air).
• On communication skills:
One of the best skills you can learn is how to listen. Unfortunately, that involves listening to people blather on and on.
I recommend learning how to appear as if you are listening. This is just as effective and much less painful. (Actually, let me offer a rare piece of serious advice: Interpersonal communication skills are probably among the most valuable you can have in the business world.)
• On teamwork:
Employers are keenly interested in your ability to work with other people. Teamwork (or working at the speed of the slowest person) is a popular way to delay accomplishing anything.
Unfortunately, you can’t really get away from teamwork. Accordingly, I recommend trying to get on teams with co-workers who are either good looking, funny or who bring home-baked cookies to work. That way, you at least have something to look forward to each day. (If you find someone who has all three attributes, then you should marry them.)
• On responsibility:
At some point, some boss will insist you take responsibility for something. This is usually a euphemism for taking the blame when someone else messes up your good idea.
The key to all of this is to be an adult about it.
When things go well – humbly accept responsibility.
When things go bad – make sure you have a list of excuses ready. Some good random excuses are: co-workers, clients, the weather, technology and terrorists. Just switch them up once in a while. (Note – I don’t recommend weapons of mass destruction as an excuse anymore.)
Anyway, that’s about all the advice I can give you. Any more and I would be giving 110 per cent.

Mike’s advice for the ethically challenged

Mike — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:06:36 +0000

AMONG the thousands of e-mails I receive weekly are numerous requests for help with ethical problems. People read my columns and say, “Hey! That’s a nice guy. Maybe he can help me with my ethical dilemma.”

Following are some of my favourite letters.

The Unhappy Worker: “I have a co-worker who is driving me crazy. I mentioned to a friend that sometimes I feel like Tasering this person. My friend said that he could get me a Taser for $10. Now I feel bad for my comments. Was I unethical?”

Mike: Yes. A Taser for $10 would have to have been stolen. I recommend buying a legal Taser from Tasers-R-Us. You will feel better about yourself.

Weight-Conscious Female: “I am on a diet. Things are going well. Sometimes I would rather have a DQ Blizzard ® instead of fruit. Is this unethical?”

Mike: Females are inundated with images of air-brushed, starving models. This is not fair. Although admittedly, it does put some pressure on you. I recommend bringing all your ice cream treats to me.

The Concerned Citizen: “I was walking down the street and a federal tax employee dropped a bag containing $100,000. I kept the money. Should I have returned it?”

Mike: Sorry, but I don’t understand the ethical concern. Please elaborate.

Confused Movie-goer: “The other day, I snuck treats into the movie theatre. Was this unethical?”

Mike: I wouldn’t worry, but if you really feel bad, I suggest you invite the owner of the theatre to your house to talk about it. While he is there, try to sell him some $6 popcorn. Honestly, I think the day will come when the movie is free, but the popcorn is $20. I can never understand why they charge you to go see a movie. If I could get people to come to my house and buy $6 popcorn, I would do anything to get them there.

The great garbage bag limit dilemma: “I noticed that my neighbour only had three bags of garbage out. I was over the limit, so I snuck my bags over to their pile. Unfortunately, my neighbour came out with more bags, which put them over the limit. Should I admit to it?”

Mike: No, just blame whoever is the grouchiest person in the neighbourhood.

(Dear reader: This actually happened to friends of ours. The neighbour apologized. Unfortunately, my friend’s wife had already been arrested and jailed by the garbage police – but hey, all’s well that ends well.)

The dessert problem: “Every time I visit my relatives, I am under pressure to bring a homemade dessert. I am busy and would prefer to buy one.”

Mike: This is so simple. Just go to the store, but ask them to screw it up a bit – a little too much baking soda, make the edges crooked, etc. Remember, it’s not the taste, it’s the assumed suffering that went into the dessert that counts.

(Note: I have noticed that this issue is only a problem for females.)

The girl with too many bridal party dresses: “I told a friend that I was moving off the planet, so I unfortunately wouldn’t be able to be in her wedding party. I don’t want another bridesmaid dress. Was I unethical?”

Mike: What colour was the dress? Maybe you could have worn it to the movies or at work.

The Frustrated Driver: “I get mad at bad drivers and blow my horn. Is this unethical?”

Mike: Not really. But relax. As baby boomers age, the driving will get more conscientious. It will be at 15 kilometres an hour, but definitely more conscientious.

Well, that’s it for this week. Keep those letters coming. I am always interested in your daily dilemmas.

Mike Weagle is a freelance writer in Halifax.

The Lost Wife

Mike — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 00:17:11 +0000

My wife got lost the other day.

I was at work when I got a call from her.

My wife: “I am lost. I am at the Sportsplex.”

Me: “If you know where you are, then technically you are not lost.”

My wife: “I mean I can’t find the store I was going too in the industrial park.”

At this stage we were good. I knew where she was and I knew where she wanted to go. Hence I was a good person to ask for directions. In fact I was just about to explain the directions when we hit one of those male female things. She basically went into a dialogue outlining where she went wrong:

“I turned right when I should have gone left. Then I went down abc street instead of def street. All of this was deeply fascinating but had nothing to with solving the problem. I mean, since I knew where she was, it didn’t really matter how she had gotten there. A UFO could have picked up the car from our driveway and deposited her there. It wouldn’t really matter. I would still be able to explain how to get to the new spot. Eventually I was able to interrupt her and get to the point.

Anyway we finally sorted it out. I think the general consensus was that I was inconsiderate for interrupting her thought process.

Mike Weagle 2010 -all rights reseved.