Mike Weagle.com

Speaking of ‘homeland’ security

WE HAVE finally bitten the bullet and updated our home security. My family is now protected by the best crime deterrent possible. Yes, you guessed it, we are now protected by a sticker with a security company’s name on it. Well, it comes with a security system too, but we have been too busy to figure it out.

I figure the sticker is all we really need. You would think some entrepreneur would have figured out that you could just sell security stickers and make a fortune. I mean, it’s not like the average guy, who might break into my house, is any kind of genius who would know which are the real companies. After all, if he were really bright, he would break into homes in the parts of town where people have nice stuff. Or at least one would hope that he would break into the homes that have nicer cars than mine.

Hint to would-be robbers: Check out the nice neighbourhoods, or at least the nice cars. I have a minivan. You want to look for SUVs, Jaguars, BMWs, etc.

In the past, we were always protected by the fact that we didn’t own anything worth stealing. This seemed to be very effective at the time. But alas, I am starting to accumulate a few things.

When I was a kid, we always had a dog. Dogs are great for security. There is one small problem with dogs in the city, though - too much work. I used to run in a local park once or twice a week. All I saw were people walking their dogs and scooping poop. This doesn’t appeal to me. Hence, we have a cat. But cats aren’t really good for security unless you upgrade to a meaner type of cat.

I saw a commercial the other day for the World Wildlife Federation where you could adopt a tiger. Now, that is impressive. I would do it if I got to keep him overnight once a year. Then you could put a sign up: “I adopted a tiger. This might be the night he stays over - think about it.”

I wonder if tigers poop a lot.

Any robber who enters my house takes his life in his hands. I’m not tough or anything; it’s just that our house is a mess, with toys scattered everywhere. The robber would probably trip and break his neck. Actually, he would probably break in and think someone had already robbed this house.

We all have something in our house that we wish would get stolen. With us, it is our computer. My computer is a lemon. I am tempted to leave the back door open some night with the computer just sitting there.

To my insurance agent: I’m kidding.

Actually, to any would-be robbers: Just let me know when you are coming and I will conveniently leave the box by the computer. It’s in the dining room. I will leave a nightlight on as well, so you don’t step on the Hot Wheels. I also have three dehumidifiers in the basement in various states of disrepair. Wake me up if you need help. I don’t want you to hurt your back.

Last minute update from Mike: My wife was concerned that one of the 10 people who read my articles might be a bad guy, so she learned how to use the security system. The computer deal still stands.

Mike Weagle (all rights reserved)