The end of the world
May 22nd, 2010 by Mike
I was waiting in the ’10 item or less’ lineup at the grocery store the other day. The cashier was ringing in my three tomatoes when I glanced back and saw the headline on one of the smaller newspaper magazinie thingies: “seven signs the end of the world is near!”
The world is ending soon? How come I didn’t hear about this sooner? Does CNN know about this? And come to think of it, who exactly is CNN’s end of the world correspondent?
Hold on. Should I be buying three tomatoes? I mean… maybe I should just buy one. When exactly is the world ending? Will I be likely to eat all three tomatoes? I require details. Why can’t these people be more specific?
This is all so stressful and confusing.
Now the strange thing is that you would think that, with the impending end of the world, that I would have one of two reactions:
(A) Out right panic
Or
(B) Relaxed acceptance.
Instead I am right in the middle, experiencing moderate stress and confusion as to whether I should return the two tomatoes.
Me: “I only bought three tomatoes. This is a ‘10 item or less’ lineup. Can I return two tomatoes? It seems to me that would be 5 total transactions – well within the 10 limit. Or does the impending end of the world change the ethical dynamics of the 1 -10 lineup?”
Cashier: “Huhhh”
Any way I decided to buy all three. This has nothing to do with the fact that these “end of the word” things are always wrong. It is because my wife gave me explicit instructions. I am more concerned about getting her upset than any cataclysmic world ending scenario.
You know if someone wants to go around ending the world, they need to be more precise. Send out an email or something, with actual times. People are very scheduled now. They require detail:
Evil earth ender: “DEAR RESIDENTS OF EARTH. THE END OF TIME OCCURS THIS SATURDAY AT 4:00 pm EASTERN.
Of course they will receive dozens of replies:
Hi evil earth ender: “I don’t think we can make the end of the world event this Saturday. Little Jill has ballet at 3:00 and Nickie has Taekwondo at 6:00.
We might be able to make 3 Saturdays from now.
P.S. Have we met? I don’t seem to have you as a friend on facebook?”
Mike Weagle (all rights reserved – 2010)